Funny Jokes

A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s Bar and picks up men.

In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her.

I’m going crazy! What do you think I should do?” “Relax…” says the Doctor, “Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s Bar?”

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. “My name is Billy. What’s yours?” asked the first boy. “Tommy.” replied the second. “My daddy’s an accountant. What does your daddy do for a living?” asked Billy. Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.” “Honest?” asked Billy. “No, just the regular kind”, replied Tommy.

Barbara was with her psychiatrist, Dr. Steinberg. Suddenly, she asked him “Will you kiss me?” Shocked, Dr. Steinberg replied abruptly “Certainly not! We must preserve a distance in this sort of relationship.”

“Well…” Barbara said, “Will you hold my hand?”

“Not even that,” Dr. Steinberg said. “It’s important that we keep this on a non-emotional basis.”

Barbara ponders for a moment then asks, “Will you at least tell me that you love me?”

“Try to understand…” Dr. Steinberg told Barbara, “I can’t kiss you, I can’t hold your hand, I can’t even tell you that I love you. We shouldn’t even be in bed together!”

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. “I’m 90 years old,” he says. “90!” replies the woman. “Don’t you realize you’ve had it?” “Oh, sorry…” says the old man, “How much do I owe you?”

This guy visits the doctors and says, “Doc… I think I’ve got a sex problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore.”

The doctor says, “Come back tomorrow and bring her with you.”

The next day, the guy shows up with his wife.

The doctor says to the wife, “Take off your clothes and lie on the table.” She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down.

He pulls the guy to the side and says, “You’re fine. She doesn’t give me a hard on either.”

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

“Well…” said her mother, “How was the honeymoon?”

“Oh, mamma!” she replied, “The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic…”

Suddenly she burst out in tears. “But mamma, as soon as we returned, Tom started using the most horrible language – things I’d never heard before! I mean, all these awful four letter words! You’ve got to take me home… PLEASE MAMMA!”

“Sarah, Sarah…” her mother said, “Calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now tell me, what could be so awful? What four letter words did he say?”

“Please don’t make me tell you, Mamma!” wept the daughter, “I’m so embarrassed they’re just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!”

“Darling, baby, you have to tell your mother these horrible four letter words.”

Still sobbing, the bride said, “Oh, Mamma … he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook…”

“I’ll pick you up in twenty minutes.” said the mother.

“Get this…” said the bloke to his mates “Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house. “Did he get anything?” his mates asked.

“Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts.

The wife thought it was me coming home drunk.”

An officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier.

With considerable bravery, the soldier ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety.

“Private…” the officer said, “I’m recommending you for a medal of bravery. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses.”

“Warehouses!?” the soldier shouted. “I thought you said whorehouses!”